Mandy The Mandragora (Episode Two)

In Vana’Diel, no one really dies. They just become part of the Shadow Realm. They roam the Xarcabard Frost Lands and haunt the Eldieme Necropolis. Except for Player Characters, they have the chance to be raised or to do something called “blood porting”. Since Mandy the Mandragora was not a Player Character, he was sent to the Shadow Realm to become an Undead Mandragora. He haunted gardens at night, sometimes disguising himself as a shrubbery while other times taking on the form of a tomato plant. He didn’t realize he was dead, he just knew he was somewhere new. One night he was terrorizing a Tarutaru gardener when he met the Shadow Lord.

Mandy (disguised as La Theine cabbage): “Hey, you! Yeah, I’m talking to you, short stack!”

The tarutaru looked about, nervously.

Taru: “Me?”

Mandy: “Yes, you. Come over here. I want to eat you.”

Taru: “Wh..what?!?”

Mandy: “Get over here and let me eat you.”

Taru: “Oh, dear-taru…I knew I shouldn’t have drank that Pamama Au Lait. I knew it was past its expiration date.”

From the shadows, there arose a low, grumbling chuckle. The tarutaru squealed and ran off. Mandy sighed and reverted back to his ghostly Mandragora form.

Sinister Voice: “Would you like to get revenge on those who put you here?”

Mandy: “Huh? Who’s that?”

From the darkness, a large form emerged cloaked in shadow with an unholy light glowing in his malevolent eyes.

Sinister Voice: “Some know me as the Shadow Lord, your kind is probably more familiar by my true name….Irwin.”

Mandy: “Irwin? Oh, seed! Not the Irwin that created the breed of cannibal rarabs?”

Irwin: “The very same.”

Mandy: “Not the Irwin that developed the cursed diapers!”

Irwin: “Well, that was more of an accident…I was trying to make a cursed subligar but I only had a piece of bast parchment so I made the diapers instead.”

Mandy: “Not the Irwin that…”

Irwin: “Enough! I am that Irwin. Now, I have a proposition for you, young Mandragora…”

Mandy: “Ok…”

Irwin: “Would you like to take revenge on those who slew you?”

Mandy: “Seed, yes!”

Irwin: “Very well. Come with me to Castle Zvahl Bailey’s and I shall grant you the power you so desire.”

Mandy: “Why do they call it ‘Zvahl Bailey’ anyway?”

Irwin: “Oh, well, the evil warlord Eric Zvahl inherited the castle when he was single. He married a woman with the last name, Bailey. She didn’t want to change her name so they just hyphenated. Thus, Zvahl-Bailey. Understand?”

Mandy: “Got it.”

Irwin: “It was really kind of sad. She cheated on him with a Galka and in the divorce she got the castle and all of his assets. Eric was left with nothing but a slightly used Chocobo.”

Mandy: “That is sad. So, you ready?”

Irwin: “Oh, right! Here we go…”

The Shadow Lord, a.k.a. Irwin, nodded his gargantuan head and in a flash they were transported to Castle Zvahl-Bailey. Mandy gasped when he saw the room in which he stood. Crimson flames enveloped the walls, the smell of brimstone assaulted his mandragora nostrils and, at the center of the room, there stood a life like statue of Prince Pieuje of San d’Oria. He was wearing a dress.

Mandy: “Hmm…that’s an interesting statue.”

Irwin: “I know. I really hate that guy so I hired some goblins to make the statue. I put the dress on him. I think it adds something, don’t you think?”

Mandy: “Yes. I suppose it does. So, about that power you promised me?”

Irwin: “Yes, yes. First, I’d like you to meet some friends of mine.”

Irwin snapped his obsidian fingers and, in an instant, Mandy saw five shadows emerge from the stony floor. From left to right, the shadows took on corporeal forms revealing a rarab, a dhalmel, a crab, a leech and a rather disheveled looking sheep.

Irwin: “This is Renfield the Rarab-Thief, that’s Dwayne the Dhalmel-White Mage. Next to him is Bob the Crab-Beastmaster.”

Bob: “What’s up?”

Irwin: “To Bob’s right is Leon the Leech-Ninja.”

Leon: “Yo!”

Irwin: “And this poor fellow is Sampson the Sheep-Bard.”

Sampson: “Hi…”

Mandy: “Nice to meet you all…I’m Mandy the Mandragora. Say, wait a minute, you said there is a Thief, White Mage, Beastmaster, Ninja and a Bard? How is that possible? Our kind is not allowed to have Player Character jobs…”

Irwin: “Heh Heh. That’s the catch. They, just like you, were mercilessly killed by player characters with similar jobs. So, I thought I’d turn the tables around and grant you six the same abilities.”

Mandy: “Oh, seed! That’s awesome! So, what do I get to be?”

Irwin: “Hmm…let me check the Brady guide. I need to figure out your party dynamics.”

He pulled out a dusty book held together with twine and animal glue. The Shadow Lord thumbed through the pages.

Irwin: “Ahh, here we go…wait a minute. No, that’s not right. Bah, it doesn’t give any good advice on forming parties and which jobs benefit the most from the group setting. Oh, wait, it says here that Beastmasters can only solo. They detract experience points from the rest of the group. I’m sorry, Bob, but you’re going to have to change your job to something else.”

Bob: “That sucks. Wait, I thought it only detracted from the Beastmaster’s own experience. Not the groups.”

Irwin: “That’s not what the Brady guide says and you know that it’s practically the Bible for Player Characters. You have to start thinking like a PC not like a Crab.”

Bob: “Fine. Which job should I take up?”

Irwin: “Umm, go Warrior/Ninja. Seems to be all the rage these days. You can dual wield your claws.”

Bob: “But, I already have two claws. Oh, this is stupid. Can’t I go Warrior/White Mage. At least then I can cast some cure spells if we need it.”

Dwayne the Dhalmel: “That’s my job and don’t you forget it.”

Mandy: “Look, if he wants to be a Beastmaster. Let him be a Beastmaster. We’re not here to get experience points. We’re here to get revenge. Besides, I still need a job…”

Irwin: “Oh, right…well, that’s easy. You go as Monk/Warrior. You already have the fighting skills.”

Renfied the Rarab: “Look, this is all fine and dandy but what exactly are we going to be hunting for in this ‘mob’ party? I don’t plan on killing rarabs, so what do we hunt?”

Irwin: “That’s the brilliant part. With the abilities I’ve given you and the fact that you are a party of monsters…”

Leon the Leech: “Hey, I’m no monster! Sure, I may not have any limbs or eyes and I kind of look like a throw pillow with a mouth but I am no monster!!!”

Irwin: “I’m sorry, Leon, I didn’t mean to insult you. Alright, the fact that you are a party of animals means that you will hunt…PLAYER CHARACTERS!!!!”

They all laughed uproariously at that, except for Sampson the Sheep who had fallen asleep in the corner.

Sampson: “Zzzz.”

Mandy: “Right! So, when can we start?”

Irwin: “As soon as possible. You’ll need some gear…and being animals you can’t really use player character gear so I’ve hired a Yagudo blacksmith to design some specialized weapons and armor just for you…just step this way…”

Hours later, Mandy entered the room with a pair of spiked knuckles banded to his leafy hands. Renfield’s tail now featured a nasty set of daggers. Dwayne didn’t really get anything except a red cap which made him look rather effeminate. Bob the Crab gave up his claws in exchange for a set of claw axes and for some odd reason he wanted a wig that looked a lot like Donald Trump’s hair do. Leon the Leech got a pair of sunglasses and a set of katana fangs. And, last but not least, Sampson the Sheep got an I-Pod.

Leon: “Why does he get the I-Pod?”

Irwin: “Because he’s the Bard and he’ll need to listen to songs and memorize them so he can sing them during your player character killing parties.”

Leon: “That blows.”

Mandy: “Enough bickering. Let’s get on with it. So, where do we start?”

Irwin, the Shadow Lord, smiled mischievously. He rapped his obsidian knuckles against the floor and a portal opened revealing a landscape all too familiar to any fledgling adventurer.

Irwin: “You will begin your slaughter in…Valkurm Dunes!”

Mandy chuckled insanely and immediately led his party through the portal.

(To Be Continued)