Mandy The Mandragora (Episode 3)

Upon arriving in Valkurm Dunes, Mandy the Mandragora surveyed the blinding white sands and the variety of low level player characters rampantly slaughtering the denizens of the land. He turned to his comrades with a sigh. Sampson the Bard Sheep was taking a nap. Leon the Leech Ninja was drawing pictures of himself in the sand with his fangs. Renfield the Rabbit Thief was trying to touch his eyeball with his tongue. Bob the Crab kept scratching underneath his Donald Trump wig. And, Dwayne the Dhalmel kept munching on his red cap.

Mandy: “This wanton killing must stop…”

Dwayne: “Wanton? Is that a kind of soup?”

Mandy: “No, I mean yes…oh, never mind. Let’s find a place to set up and start our path to vengeance upon the player characters.”

Leon: “It’s about time. These katana fangs are itching for some adventurer flesh.”

Dwayne: “That’s disgusting.”

Leon glared up at the towering form of the Dhalmel White Mage. At least, if he had eyes he would be glaring up at Dwayne, instead he just sat there on the ground wearing a pair of sunglasses.

Renfield: “There’s a spot open…those palm trees over there.”

Bob: “This wig itches.”

Bob reached up with one of his claw axes and attempted to scratch his Trump wig. He looked rather silly.

Mandy: “I honestly don’t know why you picked that wig…it makes you look stupid.”

Bob: “I like it. I think it makes me look dignified. Now, let’s find a PC for me to charm and get this party started!”

So, with that, the oddball party traveled to a patch of palm trees amidst the dunes. Along the way, Bob the Crab Beastmaster attempted to charm a level 12 Samurai named Ihategalkas. He failed miserably and the Samurai started beating on him with his Great Katana.

Bob: “Hey! Oww…stop it!”

Leon: “I guess this unfortunate PC is our first mark! Attack!”

With that, the party of six attacked the poor Samurai. Leon used [Provoke] on the Samurai while Renfield and Mandy started beating on him.

Ihategalkas: “OMG! I’m getting killed by a party of mobs! LOL!”

Mandy: “Ignore his Ato Trans Leight language…he only uses it to belittle us! No mercy!”

Sampson the Bard Sheep sang a song and the party felt invigorated, except for Dwayne who was still munching on his red cap. Renfield the Rarab Thief attempted to steal from Ihategalkas.

Renfield: “Hey! I got an item from that guy!”

Leon: “Nice.”

Mandy: “We’ll look at it after we’re done.”

Bob: “Dwayne! Stop eating your frickin’ hat and cast some Cure spells for pete’s sake!”

Dwayne: “Oh, right. Sorry, guys.”

Dwayne the Dhalmel White Mage cast Cure on the wounded crab then swallowed his red cap in one gulp.

Dwayne: “That was one tasty cap.”

Ihategalkas: “This blows! I’m gonna die! LMAO!!!”

Mandy: “Right you are!”

And, Mandy, who had saved up enough of something called TP, delivered a series of blows known as a “Combo”. The Samurai went down with a final death cry. A little message popped up saying the party of monsters had gained 100 Experience Points.

Leon: “Not bad. At this rate we should be level 75 in no time.”

Mandy: “Bah, level matters not. We are here to slaughter those who slew us.”

Renfield: “Let’s get to camp so I can check out this stolen item.”

The party made their way to the palm trees and took a moment to rest up. Meanwhile, Renfield took a look at the item he’d stolen. He seemed disturbed by what he saw.

Mandy: “What is it?”

Renfield: “It’s…it’s disgusting…”

Leon: “Let me see….oh, that’s nasty!”

Mandy took a gander at the item and realized it was a picture. But, not just any kind of picture. No, this was a picture of a Galka, lying on a satin bed and wearing nothing but a pair of thong underwear.

Mandy: “Oh, I think I’m going to be sick.”

Sampson: “That is the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen.”

Dwayne: “The string...it…it just disappears…”

Dwayne broke into a fit of hysterical tears. Renfield quickly discarded the picture card, Bob buried it in the sand. They all took a moment to shudder in sheer apprehension. Then, they resumed their antics.

Bob: “Hey! Check out that guy wearing the goofy white robes! Go get him, Renfield!”

Mandy glanced over and saw a Tarutaru crossing the sands wearing silly white robes. The pipsqueak looked like an easy kill.

Mandy: “Pull!”

Renfield: “Alright, already! I’m pulling!”

Renfield hopped over to the Taru and quickly kicked sand in his eyes.

Taru: “Hey!”

Immediately, Renfield booked it back to the camp with the Taru quick on his heels. Mandy double checked the Taru before attacking.

Mandy: “Hmm…level 75 White Mage…”

Leon: “Wha!?!”

White Mage: “Banishga II!!!”

Suddenly, there was a flash of white light and the party of six fell to the ground…dead. In moments their corpses were teleported to Castle Zvahl-Bailey. Irwin the Shadow Lord sat on his throne of skulls, irritably tapping his armored fingers on his knee.

Irwin: “You died…”

Mandy: “Yes, but it was Renfield’s fault…he pulled that level 75 White Mage.”

Renfield: “Wait a minute! I remember you telling me that ‘levels matter not’. I was just taking your advice.”

Mandy clenched his fist, ready to box the rarabs brains out. Renfied stood, poised and prepared for a fight.

Irwin: “Knock it off, you two! The problem is you are mobs and are not aware of party mechanics. Therefore, I shall grant you these magical belts. With these belts, you can hide amongst the Player Characters and learn their ways.”

Irwin handed out six belts to the weary bunch. Dwayne the Dhalmel started chewing on his.

Leon: “Would you just stop that?!?”

Dwayne: “Sorry, I’m hungry.”

Irwin: “Enough! Now, head back through the portal and join the Player Characters. I shall give you three days then I will summon you back here. Good luck!”

With that, the six all piled toward the portal. They quickly put on their magical belts and leapt through the portal. Upon arriving again in Valkurm Dunes, Mandy found himself lying on a beach and he quickly realized he was separated from the others. He sighed and decided to blend in among the Player Characters. As he wandered along the beach, he heard a bunch of hooting and hollering coming from a group of adventurers.

Warrior: “Hey, baby! What’s your sign?!”

Puppetmaster: “Nice birthday suit!”

Red Mage: “Oh, man, I’ve got to get a snapshot of this and send it to my buds.”

Mandy found this attention rather odd so he moved away from the leering adventurers. As he walked along the beach, he glanced towards the water and noticed his reflection. He gasped. To his dismay, his magical belt had turned him into a Mithra and he wasn’t wearing any clothes. Just then, a lecherous Corsair approached Mandy.

Corsair: “So that’s what a Mithra looks like naked…Growr!!”

(To Be Continued)